Beware The Bee

New Jersey.

2009-11-11T13:00:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting in a hotel room not far from New York City, in Morristown, NJ. It's a nice hotel, a Hyatt. Hotels make me feel lonely like nothing else, and I truly hate staying in them. This one, while tastefully appointed, reminds me that I'm neither here nor there, I'm not at home, but I'm not quite here either, as I'm not interacting with the actual town. I feel the same way about airports, or at least I used to, when I found myself frequently blowing time in airports in far-flung destinations around the world.

This time, it was a short flight, from Detroit to Newark, and it's a Hyatt I find myself in now. I bought a sandwich from the coffee shop downstairs, and ate it in my room, while reading an article I'll need to reference later tonight in a homework assignment.

I do think there is nothing like travel to put some thing in perspective, though. Who do you miss when you're away? That person is your home more than any house or town.

I'll be in NJ until tomorrow night, and then in New York til Sunday. I'm excited to see my friends, and to buy a present to take back home.

8 years.

2009-09-11T22:47:00.004-04:00

If it weren't for the calendar on my computer, today may have come and gone before I realized it. Here in Michigan, 9/11 doesn't make everyone's heart skip a collective beat.

Somehow 8 years feels like both forever ago and yesterday. I remember the day more vividly than most. I felt powerless and reduced to nothing. Downtown Manhattan glowed an eerie orange color that could be smelt even uptown. My entire body relaxed in a way that I can't forgot, completely resigned to whatever could and might happen. I went to bed that night not knowing what would happen while I slept, and if I would even wake up.

The days following were a motley collage of shock, intense sadness, anger, and fear. I searched the horizon for just a hint of the towers, but they had been taken, and there was nothing to look at, to focus my feelings on. The city was incredibly sad, eight million people in mourning, treating one another differently than they had before. We were angry, sure, but no one in New York thought retribution was the answer. No one wanted the Afghans to go through what we just had. The fear wasn't as bad at first -- we all felt like someone had tried to kill us, but it was hard to continue to be afraid.

The feelings got weirder after several days. We had digested what had happened, and stopped resenting it. A few months later, the fear was gone, replacing the fearlessness that had come immediately after.

Now, eight years later, I realize how my mind has never truly gotten over 9/11/01. I realize I can't look at a building without entertaining the notion that it could spontaneously, one day, just fall to the ground. Being on the upper levels of high rises cause mild hyperventilation. I still can't look at the site, and I detest the tourists who pose in front of the hole, smiling for their friends' cameras.

Day -1 of vacation.

2009-08-17T01:37:00.001-04:00

It's the night before we leave for our trip, and instead of packing, giddy with excitement, I am looking up free clinics in the Los Angeles area that will be open tomorrow morning before we leave.

Why?

Because, at the most inopportune time, I seem to have acquired a bladder infection. I always get sick when I'm doing nothing else -- if I were in school or at work, this wouldn't have happened.

For the record, there aren't a lot of free clinic options. We'll be venturing to one that opens at 8 am, hoping that they can see me sooner rather than later. If that fails, CVS's minute clinic (which is not free, but not horribly expensive) will be our next destination.

Followed by the gym.

Followed by Vegas. Where, I'm sure, there are plenty of free clinics.

Pretention.

2009-08-07T21:06:00.002-04:00

If there's one thing I've always hated, it's pretention. I even remember the day, when I was knee-high to a grasshopper, when I learned the word.

My friends are some of the least pretentious people in the world. We talk about money, stupid things we did, our insecurities, our misfortunes, also our hopes, excitements, and our successes, but no one tries to be anything they aren't. When we go out, it's usually for a nice dinner or brunch together, or we sit around at someone's house, just enjoying one another's company.

Now, I can't care what anyone else does with their time. But it drives me crazy when there is an implication that what they do with their time is better than what I, or my friends, do with our time. Do as many drugs as you want, hang out with whoever you please, but the second you imply that it's the coolest thing in the world, and therefore denounce our experiences, you're on the fast track out of my life.

The same with, say, restaurants and bars. Cool, to me, is comfort and authenticity. There is nothing I hate more than a venue deemed "hip" by the masses, anything trendy, or, frankly, some place I have to dress up for. If I'm not good enough the way I come in the door, I don't want to come in your damn door. I've dated bankers and I've dated non-profit folk, and frankly I don't have a preference (except the bankers are generally a$$holes). Money doesn't impress me. Generosity, does, however and usually the poorest among us are the most generous.

Cool stuff I've found lately.

2009-08-02T16:36:00.007-04:00

At the risk of seeming superficial or a shopaholic, here are some things I've discovered in the last few months that are worth sharing.

De la Cruz Sulfur Ointment
If you are still dealing with bad skin, and have tried salicylic acid and benzoyl peroxide, try this. It's not too drying, and it WORKS.

$5.29

http://www.walgreens.com/store/product.jsp?CATID=100303&navAction=jump&navCount=1&nug=VPD&skuid=sku2871195&id=prod2872361

Protan Sunny Days
I've tried sunless tanning, and I've ended up looking like a tangerine. I heard about Protan products as part of a bodybuilding internet detour. This one you apply at night, and you wake up just looking like you spent a day at the beach. No joke. No citrus, just a nice golden glow.

$16 (cheaper at Netrition.com)

http://www.protanusa.com/18-sunny-day-self-tanning-lotion.html

Moving Comfort Cameo Racer Back
This bra changed my life. I had no idea I even needed it until I got it. And suddenly, I was running further than before, and much more happily. Don't underestimate the power of a good sports bra.

$35

http://www.movingcomfort.com/product/123445/350002/_/Cameo_Racer_Back

Swimoutlet Grab Bags
I've gotten into swimming. I had one Speedo swimsuit, which I realized rather quickly should probably not be used every day. Because sometimes it wasn't dry, and sometimes it just smelled bad if I didn't get to wash it. So I went online and went to SwimOutlet.com. Besides the fact that it's a great site with great prices, they have this thing called a Grab Bag. You pick the size, and they sent you a suit. The first one I ordered was hot, but it was too big and I had to return it for another size. I got two the second time, and they're both hotter than the first. And they match the board shorts grab bag purchase I made the first time around. Not only are they inexpensive, they bring an element of surprise to my life that is often missing.

$17.95-32.95

http://www.swimoutlet.com/Competition_Grab_Bag_Swimwear_s/552.htm

Kola

2009-06-15T22:07:00.002-04:00

I've heard a lot about Inca Kola, and most of what I've heard about it is that it's disgusting. And yet it is so popular in Peru! I was intrigued by this Inca Kola. I once saw it at a cafe in Chicago, but was cashless and couldn't buy it. Tonight I saw it at Harvest Time Foods and scooped it right up.

I brought it home. I opened it. I imagined the cherry-tar flavor that I was sure was about to pour into my mouth. Or maybe -- maybe it would taste like blueberries + rootbeer. I had no idea. I was just so ready for the disgustingness that was so popular in Peru.

I sniffed. It smelled sweet.

I took a sip.

Bubblegum. It tastes like bubblegum. Bubblegum is the flavor that is notoriously disgusting.

Now, I don't exactly love the taste of bubblegum, or soda for that matter, but I've been sipping on it while I eat my rice and beans, and while it's certainly sickeningly sweet, it's not really that bad of a beverage.

Sleepless in Chicago.

2009-06-11T08:57:00.002-04:00

Well, not really. But I have been having some funny dreams since I got here.

I've been in Chicago 2.5 weeks now, and I do have to admit that I've done very little beyond getting into a routine. If the weather would improve beyond, say, 65 degrees, I think I would be more likely to wander around and explore, but as it is I'm usually seeking warmth.

Chicago certainly has a wonderful vibe. At least for a new comer. No pretension, no astronomic prices (for anything), good public transit. A very livable city. And heck -- if it was good enough for Obama, it's good enough for me.

Being in cities also makes me more independent and confident. I think it's because I, once again, have the ability to go where I want to go, do what I want to do. No rides necessary, no taxis or buses. Just me and my metro card and life goes on. Also, no possibility of loneliness with built-in company wherever I go.

In Chicago.

2009-05-30T15:58:00.002-04:00

Chicago is good. I'm currently staying with Denver in Lakeview, in big apartment with ample opportunity for people-watching without even having to get out of my jammies. On Tuesday I move to Lincoln Square, another fun neighborhood where there is a Dunkin Donuts in the el station and 4 thai restaurants in 2 blocks.

Making plans.

2009-05-28T00:38:00.002-04:00

Today while I was in the shower I got to thinking about a 5 year plan I had about 3 years ago. It was fairly accurate. But if you asked me to make a 5 year plan for myself right now, I'd probably draw a blank.

I'm not sure if other folks (esp women) think this way, but this is the dilemma I face.

I'm currently in a relationship with someone I love very much. I propose to him on a fairly regular basis (and he gives me a deer-in-the-headlights look). Now, if you asked me where I wanted to be in 5 years, I'd probably say married to him and pregnant with a his first child. I'd be working whatever job I found in the town where he found a job he liked. But this is tough. How do you ever embark confidently on a plan that involves the capriciousness of another person?

So that is 5 year plan number 1. So it may not happen. So I need a five year plan #2.

Five year plan #2 involves getting a good job right out of school somewhere cool or where I know people and eventually segue into the non-profit sector. The goal would be to find happiness in place of a family, and maybe eventually adopt on my own.

I guess the challenge of being an adult is trying to balance probabilities and priorities in a way that kind of hedges your bets so you can get what you want without too much sacrifice. I'm still trying to get that part right. In the meantime, don't ask me where I see myself. The answer will be a lie, at best.

Sheepenguin!

2009-03-29T11:24:00.002-04:00

2009-03-29T10:39:00.002-04:00

Fade in:

Betsy and A sit at the breakfast table, munching away on toast and coffee. The text "Last week" appears on the bottom of the screen.

Betsy: I mean, it would be nice if you got a job in Chicago for the summer, but if you don't, we'll deal. you should get a job where you can get a job.
(beat)
It's only ten weeks.

Fade out.

Fade in:

Betsy and A are getting ready for bed. Text on the bottom of the screen says "Yesterday."

Betsy: And you know, if you do get a job in Chicago, I think I'd like to still live by myself. I've never done that, you know? And if we move in together after school, I think I would regret doing it.

Fade out.

Fade in. The word "Today" appears on the screen. B is sitting in her kitchen, at the bar, slumped across the bar, cheek smooshed against it. Her eyes are half open, and she has bedhead. An empty plate, covered in crumbs, sits in front of her. She stares at it. Something catches her eye. She is suddenly alert. She jumps up.

Cut to --

Two pieces of shredded cheese on the place lie next to each other, making a heart shape.

Cut to --

Betsy as her face starts to collapse in tears.

Fade out.

Fade in to see Betsy, pajama-clad. It's night time. Her hair is in pigtails. She looks miserable. She walks over to a calendar. The days are clearly marked "A" and "no-A" to indicate which days A is out of town. She crosses off the first one, then counts the remaining, sighing as she does so. She crawls into bed, and pulls up a job search site. She searches on "Chicago." She finds a result, and hits "email" then enters "A's" email address.

Fade out.

"Lowly" work.

2009-03-26T11:20:00.003-04:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/01/us/01survival.html

This article in the Times raises some interesting questions. Personally, I've never thought that if I needed the money that I would hesitate to take a "menial" job. Perhaps it's because I come from a family where it's a common occurrence, and, as the only person in my family with a college education, expected that "work" means in a bakery, a daycare, or in a factory.

But I digress. It upsets that a) people so closely tie their identities and self-worth to their jobs, and b) consider some work to be "beneath" them or without dignity.

Maybe this recession will teach Americans that work is work, and while some work may be more satisfying than others, there is still dignity in it no matter what the level of pay or title.

Happiness.

2009-03-22T22:19:00.003-04:00

It's been scientifically proven that you're about as happy as you want to be. They say that whether you lose a limb or win the lottery, in one year you'll be about the same level of happiness. (See Ted.com lectures on this if you'd like).

This is good! This means that no matter what happens in life we can count on being happy, if we chose to be.

But -- this is also bad!

I find myself often wanting to say to someone-in-particular: "I don't think I could be happy without you." But of course this isn't true. I could be happy. If we broke up, I would be sad, my heart would explode, but then I would clean it up, put it back together, and be happy again. How romantic.

So what am I supposed to say? "I love you, and you make me happy, but you make me as happy as I would be without you."

I guess it's a good thing to realize -- love me or leave me, I'll be just fine. But then how many partners are interchangeable? How special is a relationship that you could you could be happy without, according to science and experience. It seems to reduce a relationship to its purpose, which is not, then, happiness, but could be commitment to child-rearing. Is that, then, what we should look for?

2009-03-06T13:58:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of Judith Warner columns I can't relate to. Sometimes I think she's whiney. But I realize these days that the reasons she bugs me is that we're pretty much exactly the same.

I read one of her articles today, and I think it highlights somethings I'm dealing with.

The article is here.

Basically: I'm not normal. My boyfriend is. Hilarity ensues. Oh, wait. That's not hilarity. Anymore.

I would let the faucet drip. I let food go bad in my fridge. I watch the mold, and I think maybe I should have eaten that, maybe I should not make food I'm not going to eat. But for some reason I don't throw it away that often. Early in our relationship, one day A was over, and we cleaned out my fridge.

At first, it seemed like a difference between us that would make us both better. I would be the spacey one who thought about life and contemplated the sunlight coming between the blinds at 5:47 pm, and he'd be the one who made sure no science experiments were breeding in the fridge, that no one's house fell apart.

But now I realize that rather than appreciating this aspect of my personality, he sees it as a weakness. He doesn't think I can be left in charge of my own life. I spend money wrongly, as if there was such a thing. I buy things when, apparently, I shouldn't. I put too much emphasis on enjoying food and life and not enough on the practical side of things. Never mind that I managed to make it to the age of 29, to get an Ivy league education and get into a good business school, and pay my bills mostly on time, and make quite a few friends along the way. What I do is not normal.

Interestingly, I never really felt "not normal" until recently. Suddenly I feel on the receiving end of a pity party, like suddenly finding out that someone is taking care of your life in the background because if they didn't it would all fall apart.

How does this happen? Why am I doubting myself? Why have I stopped believing that I'm charming and fun and instead find myself worthy of being locked up until I learn how to take better care of things? I feel like the child who is told that she can't get a puppy until she proves she can take care of a goldfish.

I think it's time to step back and get to know myself again.

(Another) one of those days.

2009-01-14T21:00:00.002-05:00

Today I made the mistake of checking my email during Operations class only to discover that my interview on Friday was canceled because the internship itself, was canceled.

I was bummed. I was stressed. I went to the office of career development and wondered what the hell was going on. I ate lunch. I stressed out some more. I was too stressed to do anything.

So I went to the gym.

They just put the gym in the new business school building, and I thought it would be nice to catch up on some news while I was there since they have televisions. I plugged in my earphones and tuned into CNBC. Things seemed fine. For a few minutes. Somewhere around my 7th minute on the elliptical trainer, the stock market took a nosedive.

I couldn't take it anymore. I put on my headphones. Music would make me feel better.

And then I heard, blasting through my ears, "LOST SLOWLY DYING IN THE WILDERNESS, WE'RE LOST IN THE WILDERNESSSSSS!" picking up where I had previously stopped listening to the Children of Eden song. I tried to be heartened by the end of the song when Cain sings "finally we'll be found," but I just didn't have it in me.

I wandered upstairs. I thought about Kogepan, the poor little burnt bun whose cartoons I had shown to A last night. I felt like a Kogepan, discarded, unwanted, tossed to the back of the oven never to be sold to anyone. I went to the cafeteria and ate a lot of overripe pineapple and bought a (root) beer. Sugar could be my friend today. Me and Jonathon Larson, singing "Sugar! She's so fine!" I sat back and waited for it to "sooth my soul for half an hour, half an hour, half an hour!" But somehow I just ended up feeling like a Kogepan.

I had a meeting, and then I was meeting up with A. I thought this would make me feel better, but I had sadly forgotten a cardinal rule about needing a shoulder to cry on or a hug or someone to just, well, feel your pain.

This is what one SHOULD do:

Feel bad --> Call/visit/have dinner or drinks with girlfriend/girl acquaintance/mom/grandmother/female stranger --> get a lot of sympathy and hope and love --> feel better and optimistic about the world

This is what I did:

Feel bad --> meet up with boyfriend --> be told how it's alternately "not that bad" or how he's "not having any problems" --> continue to not only feel bad but feel a little bit worse from time to time over the next couple of hours --> go home and call girlfriend

Now, I should have just skipped the middle part, but I always have hope, HOPE, HOPE that one day I will walk up to the current boyfriend when I am down and need him to say the right thing and he will ACTUALLY say the right thing. I should realize by now that since this has never actually happened in the past it will probably also never happen in the future, but such is the nature of hope.

My only consolation is Tuesday, the inauguration day, when I am waiting, with HOPE, that Barack Obama will finally bring CHANGE, and perhaps some of that CHANGE will trickle down to me, in the form of a few pennies, a job offer, a delicious pie that magically appears on my doorstep, or, heck, even just some better sense on my part so the above episode doesn't repeat itself.

Renewed (for now).

2009-01-02T15:14:00.003-05:00

It's January 2 and I'm blogging. I've decided to renew the blog for the time being. I was just surfing the web when a friend linked me up to blog that somehow, in a single paragraph, changed my current outlook on life. I think blogging is worthwhile.

From RiceDaddies.blogspot.com, this is the paragraph:

It wasn't until I was in college and away from home for the first time that I would unbind myself. With my regained freedom I forsook my math and business classes for poetry and film making courses. I exploded cognitively and socially. At times, it seemed I would never get myself together again. But I did eventually.

There is nothing particularly special here, except that I've spent my days lately feeling like I may never get myself together again. I need to stop feeling like I've messed up my life and see right now as a period of change that I'll eventually come out of. I need to keep the faith in this regard.

I also need to remember that I have nothing to prove to anyone in particular. I will pursue those things that make me happy and that I feel are authentic outlets for myself, and if they don't work out then I will have to sit down with some help and restrategize. But at the moment I need to trust myself, life, and the process I'm going through. I also need to remember that the person with whom I'm spending the most time these days is the most organized human being on the planet and not indicative, necessarily, of the world at large, or of the standard to which I should hold myself.

I also need to remember that I must have done something right in life. On New Year's Eve, I spent time with people I like a whole lot. It's not easy to find people like that who will put up with you for many years and on NYE. So I must have done something right up until this point.

Back in the city.

2008-12-28T15:09:00.002-05:00

I got back into New York last night. I was amazing how my mental attitude changed as soon as I got on the train. I had a nice conversation with a young man on the train who was planning his first trip to South East Asia, who taught special ed in Philly. As soon as he got off, I hammered out three cover letters. Today I am working on stuff for the Net Impact Forum that is coming up in January (I'm in charge of the website).

I'm also thinking about going to Iceland for spring break - their economy has fallen apart and so the exchange rate is very favorable.

I also have a really bad cold that seems to be getting worse, rather than better.

This week I plan to knock out a lot of work, see a classmate or two, and hit up the Met and the Moma, if not grab a play or movie. Yay!

The end is near.

2008-12-24T13:33:00.001-05:00

So I started this blog in October 2007, and I've kept it longer than I expected to. That said, it will be closing at the end of this year. I'll keep all the old entries up until New Year's, and there may even be another entry or two, but Beware the Bee is closing shop soon.

Kissing characters.

2008-12-24T04:40:00.001-05:00

When I started working at RHCB, I was sitting in my boss's office when a coworker came in and said that there were a lot of changes to be made to book.

"We have kissing characters," she said.

I was stunned. It's true we were a children's book publisher, but I didn't see why kissing was such a big deal.

I asked why kissing characters were such a problem.

"It makes it hard to read," she said, "when the letters run together."

The kissing characters were the touching characters in the typography that didn't separate adequately when printed.

Always zoom out before taking a selfs-portrait.

2008-12-23T16:31:00.001-05:00

No "to do" list.

2008-12-22T11:56:00.003-05:00

When I got all my business school admissions results back, I fell into what could be called a postpartum depression. For months I had had some momentum, some inertia, and suddenly it just ended. I hear the same thing happens at the end of political campaigns.

And now I'm looking at 10 days of very little to do and I'm a little bit terrified. I haven't even gotten out of bed today. I feel useless and sometimes grumpy without things to do. I find myself unnaturally tired. How will I ever survive winter break?

Some photos from San Francisco

2008-12-21T00:55:00.009-05:00

2008-12-15T14:03:00.003-05:00

This morning my body woke up at a decent Left Coast hour, and I was pleased to see that the sun was shining. Amanda's cupboards were bare, so I threw on some clothes and ventured out for my first solo trip. I walked down 16th and up Valencia (we're crazily close to 826!!), and couldn't find a place that looked appealing. So what's a girl to do? Head to the best bakery in the country -- Tartine!!

I got out my phone and Googled the address, then plotted it in Google Maps. But what was across the street? A very appealing little diner, where I enjoyed a lovely breakfast burrito while reading the headlines on my phone. And then after breakfast, of course, I got an almond croissant and a big latte for "elevenses."

It's lovely here -- looking down the blocks and seeing the hills, the colorful buildings, the metal gates, the warmish breeze that's blowing today. It's also just nice to be out of Ann Arbor, out of Ross, out of an environment that makes me (with my permission, I know, Ms. Roosevelt) question my own self worth.

It's tempting to think about leaving it all behind, permanently -- start over again, here, somewhere where I haven't been me before. In my back of my mind there's always some kind of worry, more of a personal nature than a professional or academic one. In school or in work, expectations are set, and you know if you live up to them or not. In the personal sphere, however, it always feels like I'm walking a tightrope, and I don't even know which direction is the one I should be heading toward.

I had a writing professor who once said that writing shouldn't come easy if it's good, it should always seem like you're feeling your way down an unfamiliar hallway in the dark. I tend to agree that the best things in life, the most interesting and most exciting, are the ones where you always seem to be discovering new things with each step. It lends itself to excitement but also a bit of fear. It's the mitigation of that fear that's difficult.

I gotta be honest -- this relationship scares the sh*t out of me. The tightrope analogy is an accurate one, where I feel like I have to convince myself to take the next step rather than run back to safety. I don't know quite what is up ahead, but that's what's great about the journey. But there's also the fear of misstepping, of making a mistake, of screwing it up without wanting to. There's the fear of knowing that I'm completely in love with him, of wondering if I should be or if I'm just crazy, of knowing he doesn't always believe me, of knowing he waffles himself in his feelings. There's the ridiculousness of thinking he's kind of perfect even though he's not, of thinking everything about him is kind of beautiful, and wanting him around all the time for no good reason except that it makes me happier. They're ridiculous, these thoughts, aren't they?

Anyway, off to enjoy San Francisco -- something else I'm starting love.

San Francisco.

2008-12-15T02:38:00.002-05:00

Things I've done so far:

1. Hung out with James
2. Watched High Fidelity
3. Ate In-and-Out burger
4. Ate yummy Vietnamese food
5. Bought stuff at Good Vibrations
6. Went to Tartine
7. Went to a party
8. Felt relieved to be out of Ann Arbor
9. Tried really hard to not worry about life
10. Had a good time
11. Caught up with Amanda
12. Kvetched about life
13. Tried harder not to worry about life
14. Crashed. Hard.

Today's entry was deleted

2008-12-13T01:26:00.005-05:00

due to the mushy nature of my thoughts these days. I didn't want to bother you with it.

I have nothing interesting to say. I could only bore you with little <3s and cute little things he does, I could make a list of the things that make him great, and sketch a little comic. I could talk about his accent, or his arms, or his eyes, or I could tell you about something funny he said at lunch. I could talk about falling asleep in his apartment and feeling cozy, and curling up in his blanket, and being happy about seeing him first thing when my eyes pop open in the morning. I could even tell you about how he's the first man I've met in a long time who I felt would be able to take care of me, for whom I'm not constantly making a list of deal breakers, and who, I think, is probably the most attractive guy I've ever seen.

Nope, you don't want to hear that. I know that. And that's why I had to delete today's blog entry.